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Post by flamingo on Jul 18, 2006 9:18:30 GMT -7
i love them!!! i had not seen the video before either, thanks for sharing!!
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parrotise
Weaned Todd
Gracie Girl
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 31
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Post by parrotise on Jul 19, 2006 18:56:11 GMT -7
;D I haven't seen the video before. Thanks for sharing!
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Post by patty on Jul 22, 2006 6:52:50 GMT -7
OK guys,, this is a long one and i heard it about a million years ago but i will try to get it right....... A man and his wife are watching TV when the man says "Honey I think we need a pet." The wife replies "A pet! What on earth do we need a pet for! They are messy and think of all the work!" The next day the man goes to a pet store and looks at all the pets. He picks out a fish tank and a couple of pretty fish. He takes it home and says "Honey, look at the beautiful fish i bought!" The wife says "Humph!! Fish!! Why would you want a fish, you cant do anything with them." So the next day the man takes the fish back to the store and picks out a dog. He takes it home and the wife says "A dog!!! they are more work than anything!" After about a week of bringing home pets and having his wife reject them the man goes back to the pet store one last time. He looks around at all the pets trying find something his wife would like when he see a beautiful parrot in the back corner of the shop. He asks the owner, "What kind of bird is that and why is he in the corner?" the owner says, "That is a Clutch Bird you don't want that bird he has issues". The man says "a Clutch Bird!!! What is a Clutch Bird!!!" The owner says "well let me show you",, he takes the bird out of the cage and says "Clutch Birrrrrrd,,, filing cabinet!!" The bird flies over to the filing cabinet and using his razor sharp claws grinds it up into a million pieces. The owner says "Clutch Birrrrrd,,, cage!" The bird flies back to his cage and using his razor sharp claws grinds it up into a little pile of metal. The man is all excited and says "I'll take it!" He takes it home and walks into the house with the bird proudly perched on his arm and says "Honey look what I bought!! The wife takes one look at the bird and says "What in the heck is that!! The man proudly says "Honey, this is a Clutch Bird!!!" The wife says "A Clutch bird!!,,, Clutch Birrrd my A$$!!! :oThe man and his bird lived happily ever after....
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Post by greymomx3 on Aug 7, 2006 13:56:22 GMT -7
OMG!!!!!!!! Those are all priceless!!!!!!!! I know I have heard parrot jokes, but at the moment...I can't think of any of them. Maybe it's because I'm laughing so hard I'm having issues typing!!!!
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Post by twizted on Aug 7, 2006 14:41:09 GMT -7
A burglar was moving quietly in a dark house one night when he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He froze immediately, and after a minute of holding perfectly still, he began to wonder whether he had only imagined the voice. He opened a drawer and began removing silverware, and again he heard the voice: "Jesus is watching you." Again he froze in the darkness, and as soon as he began moving again, he heard the voice a third time: "Jesus is watching you." Looking around, he saw no other person, but finally noticed a parrot in a cage, in the moonlight near the window. "Hey, parrot," he said softly. "Was that you saying 'Jesus is watching you'?" The parrot said, "Yep." The man said, "Well, you're a very smart parrot. What's your name?" The parrot replied, "Clarence." At this the man began laughing. "'Clarence'? 'Clarence'? What idiot would name a parrot 'Clarence'?" The parrot replied, "Same idiot who named the Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
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Post by erica on Sept 13, 2006 19:48:11 GMT -7
I loved that last one!
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Post by vicky on Sept 18, 2006 12:55:56 GMT -7
A man went into a bar and said to the bartender, "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots." "Oh yes," says the bartender. "How are you going to do that?" The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "Have you got anything else?" The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot. The bartender is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks. The man shook his head no. "Will you sell just one then?" asks the bartender. "OK, I'll sell you the parrot for $100" the man says. The bartender is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said, "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only $100". "No I'm not," the man replied. "The hamster is a ventriloquist"!!!
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Post by vicky on Sept 18, 2006 12:58:45 GMT -7
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".
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Post by twizted on Sept 18, 2006 20:07:59 GMT -7
;D That last one is a good one vicky!!!
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Post by quiksilver713 on Jun 20, 2007 13:16:37 GMT -7
I heard a different version of the one about the chicken involving a little old lady and nighttime screaming, but the punch line was the same.
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Post by Sandy on Jun 20, 2007 20:22:55 GMT -7
Catholic Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him " Father, I have a problem, I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say "Hi, we're hookers, do you want to have some fun"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed and then he thought for a moment. "You know", he said "I may have a solution to your problem, I have two Male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach yours how to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you" the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day she brought her female parrots over to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and put her two female parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison" Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed
"Put the beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered!"
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notuo821
Just Hatched
Joined: November 2005
Posts: 9
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Post by notuo821 on Jun 25, 2007 5:12:17 GMT -7
Being obsesed with parrots I have a few jokes you all might like.
1.) One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
this is my favorite one of them all I will have to surch through to find more.
2.) A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know to say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house. I will put them with my two male talking parrots that I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots immediately say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
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Post by Jane on Jun 25, 2007 10:41:18 GMT -7
I have seen a cartoon in a parrot magazine I get. There is a parrot on a stand and someone from Avian Biotech is asking the female owner: "What makes you think he's male?" to which she replies: "He loves beer and hates taking out the trash"
Jane
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